"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."
"The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
"I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing."
"My photographs don’t do me justice—they just look like me."
"The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out."
"I never made a mistake in grammar in my life. I’m a college graduate."
"I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do."
"Don’t go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
"I’m so old, my blood type was discontinued."
"I have a wonderful diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it."